|Avast, ye cowardly swabs!
||[Sep. 19th, 2004|07:45 pm]
The Bungaree Pineapple
Happy International Talk Like A Pirate Day! To honour the occasion, please enjoy the next part of Operation: Shrubbery, in the spirit of the holiday!|
Off the outskirts of Nambour, a few kilometres from the city, a large, well-organised horde of creatures was gathering for what might have been interpreted as a social occasion. In fact, this was not far from the truth. The creatures were, in fact, kangaroos. There was a large mass of them talking (yes, talking) amongst each other, and a small group of the same creatures standing on a slightly elevated section of ground.
One of the roos on the elevated ground stepped forward as if he were about to address the horde. He cleared his throat so loudly that it sounded completely false, and then the well-organised horde promptly ceased all communication within itself. "Me hearties," the conspicuous kangaroo yelled, "the time for our lunch be here!" The address had confused most of the roos in the crowd, as they had been expecting a serious speech that had nothing to do with mealtime. They didn't have to be told when to eat lunch; things had gone far enough already. The chattering amongst the spectators resumed, although this time it was a more confused-sounding chatter.
Suddenly, one of the other roos on the elevated ground, who had been standing back until now, stepped forward, as he was also quite irritated. "Avast, ye bilge rat!" he yelled. The talking amongst the mass of roos halted even more quickly than before. The kangaroo responsible for the moronic address looked back, with a slightly terrified look on his face. The other roo continued his loud complaint. "What in Davie Jones’ locker do ye think this be? A zoo? Do ye think these roos be stupid? Is that what ye think? How the hell did ye think ye could convince a few thousand sea dogs that lunch be at half past ten?" With that, the slightly terrified expression shifted into a relieved one, and the confused chatter resumed.
The event had gone terribly wrong, another kangaroo on the elevated ground thought. This roo, however, was far more intelligent, and decided that this situation was desperate, and desperate times call for desperate measures. So, he was convinced that someone must take drastic action. He stepped forward in an arrogant, yet strangely charismatic way, and somehow, without making a sound, everyone noticed him. This was because his movement was incredibly important-looking, so he instantly became the centre of attention. He found a piece of wood on the ground, which he could perhaps use as a weapon to bludgeon some intellect into the dense skulls of the two disgraces of kangaroos that were arguing in front of him. He thought that perhaps an intellectual contest between his crude weapon and the two unfortunate targets of his wrath would perhaps be more mentally excruciating than mere physical pain, but simply hitting them with a large chunk of timber was easier, and more fun. They were also far more likely to understand physical pain than mental anguish. He therefore simply approached the morons, still in the middle of their absolutely humiliating speech, swung the piece of wood at the nearest thick furred skull, and was rewarded with a satisfyingly solid thud. As the now unconscious body of the creature fell to the ground, probably with no fewer brain functions than when he was still awake, the furious kangaroo who had knocked him out stared at the other, still standing dimwit. “Ye’ll walk the plank fer this, ye scurvy rats!” he snarled menacingly.
This particular kangaroo was an unforgiving one, and did not like his inferiors screwing up at his expense. Ever since the attack had begun on the hated ape-descended creatures, he had taken on a role of leadership. Some of the other kangaroos noticed that something seemed to be troubling him, but he never wanted to talk about it, and any of his worried companions who happened to ask about it usually ended up with some kind of broken bone or internal bleeding. Rakameroolebah wasn’t the most considerate kangaroo. One thing he did consider was the well being of his species, but mainly because he was one of his species, and anything that affected the entire kangaroo population of Queensland, or even Australia, he was part of them, and would also affect him. This was the reason he had organised this gathering, to remind his people of a great, ancient threat, and to attempt to organise them to fight it.
As Rakameroolebah made his way to the centre of the elevated ground, he let the large piece of wood fall from his hand. He cleared his throat for a moment, partially to get the mass of kangaroos before him to shut the hell up, and then, he began his speech. "Fer more than forty thousand years, our kind has been persecuted by the scurvy human lubbers. Be it unfair fer us te take no quarter?"
"Uh... no?" an unknown voice came from the crowd. Rakameroolebah was annoyed at this sudden interruption, but felt that it would probably be better to just continue.
"Should we not keelhaul those who seek to keelhaul us? For forty millennia, we have put up with the tyrannical dominance of the land lubbers, but now be plenty. It be time fer us te board the land lubbers and plunder this land from them, so that no longer will we need te live in fear of their scurvy weapons, or being captured and caged fer their amusement, or their rampant swilling of the booty that be rightfully ours. It be time te board our poxy enemies! We shall avenge every one of our fellow corsairs, we shall plunder all the booty they have plundered from us, and we shall kill ‘em a bunch o' times, too!" a deafening cheer came from the crowd, in the best way that kangaroos can cheer. Rakameroolebah let his ego feed before stepping down from the raised section of ground.
As he descended from the elevated terrain, he met one of his most loyal minions, Kedoomabler, who was less burly than Rakameroolebah, but slightly taller, and it was his height that prevented Rakameroolebah from recognising this loyalty in its entirety, or even liking him very much. "Ahoy, Cap’n, I have good news fer ye!" Kedoomabler yelled from about fifteen metres away. He looked absolutely ecstatic.
"What ye be wantin’, ye swab?" Rakameroolebah responded, only marginally curious.
Kedoomabler came within talking distance, so he didn't have to yell at his magnificent leader. "I have just returned from the lubbers’ settlement called Nambour, and we pillaged the scum out of ‘em!" Rakameroolebah didn't think that there was such a thing as being too happy, but this kangaroo changed his mind. "When the lubbers tried to fight us off, we swabbed the deck with ‘em! We got ‘em where we want ‘em, Cap’n!"
"Blaggard!" Rakameroolebah yelled almost immediately, not just because he detested him, "Do ye really think the lubbers will have such little defence in that city? The fact that me hearties have buckled any swash at all is proof enough that the city has more privateers than ye think, and every single one of them will have a gun." At the utterance of that word, even from his own larynx, Rakameroolebah filled with rage. "Fer millennia, the evolutionary shark bait have constructed weapons te best every other species on the continent, perhaps the world. Even the brown-skinned lubbers before the others came had their spears and boomerangs, but now, these modern lubbers have their poxy guns. They think they're so good. Well I've got news fer them; they ain’t!"
"Aye, of course Cap’n. I be terribly sorry fer me addle." Kedoomabler pleaded.
Rakameroolebah simply looked up at him in disgust, "Leave me be, or you’ll dance with Jack Ketch! Off with ye, smartly!"
"Aye, Cap’n." Kedoomabler said before leaving, feeling slightly neglected, yet he still very content with the way the campaign against humanity was starting out. The only two reasons Rakameroolebah forced himself to tolerate Kedoomabler was because of his undying loyalty to him, and because he fed his ego so much.
The bad mood Kedoomabler had put him in was soon slightly offset upon seeing his mate, Neekeroolyken. He slowly approached her and grumbled about how irritating Kedoomabler is.
"Not te worry, Rakam," she replied, trying to cheer him up, "we have destroyed much of this 'Nambour'. Soon, we will be able to strike at the heart of the city."
"Yes, ye be right." Rakameroolebah remarked, his mood slightly lifted, but not enough to stop him hating Kedoomabler. "Before two sunrises, we will pillage the colossal mockery of a pineapple."
Neekeroolyken looked at him, inspired by his strangely incredible charisma. "Let's have a look at what remains of the devastated parts of the city."
After a long trip of about five minutes, Rakameroolebah and Neekeroolyken arrived in the heart of one of the toppled districts of Nambour, where they were greeted by about forty to fifty other kangaroos who had aided in the conquest of this area. As Rakameroolebah looked at the ruined buildings and human corpses around him, he felt a sense of achievement. He felt that the first stage of his goal of toppling humanity might be accomplished. “They’re pitifully weak, aren’t they?" he murmured to Neekeroolyken as he kicked the corpse of a slain human soldier. "Look at the pitiful dogs. No natural weapons, they can’t take a flogging; they rely on their fancy-shmancy guns and Kevlar vests. If they didn’t have their scurvy opposable thumbs, they would never have oppressed us the way they did. And no doubt their media will call us the monsters! It’s pathetic, rea... oooh look, a Rolex!” he exclaimed, removing the timepiece from the severed appendage of its previous owner and putting it upon his own wrist.
“Yes.” she replied. She looked around for a few seconds, and then spotted something that could easily be mistaken for a car. She pointed it out to her companion, “Look, thar be one of those mechanized transports the land lubbers use because they are so inefficient at moving by their own means.”
Rakameroolebah glanced off past the piles of rubble that had been a public bar once upon a time, and saw a really smashed up object that was probably supposed to be a vehicle struggling along the road. It’s engine was screaming, yet it was only moving at forty kilometres an hour. He sniggered as the muffler fell from the automobile, but was insulted when it stopped only metres away from him as the occupants merely sat there, watching him curiously. “These lubbers be rum fellows.” he sneered and began to approach the vehicle cautiously as many fellow roos had been killed by these steel contraptions, yet he doubted whether a vehicle of that quality could injure him in any way at all if they collided. In fact, the car itself would probably suffer more.
However, just as he was approaching the humans, they somehow managed to get the car-like object moving, but not before throwing a thick cloud of soot, oil and other partially burnt substances over the egotistical buck. “Sail ho! Take no quarter!” the kangaroo leader screamed wrathfully, as his loyal minions, and a few of the disloyal ones, eagerly gave chase to the struggling vehicle.
Rakameroolebah jumped at the back of the car in a hope to grab it and put an end to the miserable anthropoids. Upon succeeding, he slowly dragged himself up onto the boot. Just as he was about to climb up onto the roof, there was a horrific grinding sound, not unlike the sound of the gears being changed, and suddenly the whole boot fell off the vehicle with Rakameroolebah still clinging onto the top. It hit the ground with a chronic screech, sending sparks all over the road. He lay there, unmoving, as the rest of the roos slowly came over to confirm the well-being of their leader.
"Be ye ‘right?" one of the more courageous roos enquired. He was rewarded with a solid kick to the head.
"Of course I be ‘right!" he snapped, "I was just taking a breather, ye bilge rat! Now board the chase!" Those that had been investigating Rakameroolebah’s health now decided that risking possible death at the hands of a cheap automobile was far more pleasant than facing the wrath of their leader.
Regular version next Friday.