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The Bungaree Pineapple

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Even more... [Sep. 10th, 2004|07:51 pm]
The Bungaree Pineapple


Major Gary and Captain Stevens, having made the discovery they did, thought it might be helpful to conduct a field investigation, but first they’d need permission from their commanding officer. That would be the hardest part, Gary thought as he and Luke made they’re way to the Colonel’s secretary’s desk.

“Would you like to see our fearless leader, Gary?” queried the secretary, Amanda White. She was a friendly woman in her mid-thirties who’d been at Nambour since before he was transferred here three months ago, and like everyone else, didn’t take much of a liking to her boss. She’d been Colonel Davies’ secretary for all the time she was here, as he'd insisted on having a secretary, because he said that anyone in such a demanding and responsible position needs a secretary to help them keep things in order, although the real reason was probably so he could pass on most of his work to someone else, or something along those lines. Usually, Amanda polished the shoes of the Director’s personal cook, a job that payed very well, indeed, and was far less demanding than being a secretary, let alone that of Colonel Davies.

“Yeah, I need permission to do a field investigation.” Gary replied in a polite-ish tone.

“You can go right in, then. The colonel isn’t doing anything at the moment. He never really does anything useful around here, anyway.” she blurted out, to which Gary responded with a smile and a nod, before he and Luke entered the gloomy office.

“What do you two want?” yelled Davies as soon as the door began to move. He had a knack for these things; he recognised every single one of his subordinates by scent.

Gary finished opening the door and entering the room before he answered. “Uh, we’d like to conduct a field investigation thingy.” he said, presenting himself before the ‘most important FNT operative in Nambour’ in a very unflattering way to deliberately piss him off.

“Use proper military terminology when you’re in this building! I never want to hear you use the word ‘thingy’ ever again!” the tyrant commanded.

Gary and Luke became slightly irritated and amused at the same time, which is very hard to do. Obviously, they are very talented in this regard. “Uh, righto.” Gary said in an indifferent tone. Luke let out a quiet chuckle that sounded a bit like a snort.

“What he’s saying is that we’d like to investigate an incident which has recently come to our attention.” Luke finally said. “We believe it to be quite important.”

Colonel Davies’ angry, pig-like eyes shifted from subordinate to subordinate. “What is this field investigation that you two are requesting permission to conduct?”

“An important one.” Luke repeated.

“I know that! It must be important if you need to see me about it! What does it involve?” Colonel Pig-Eyes demanded.

“Well, it involves a number of undetermined thing…s that need to be, uh, determined.” Gary explained, being careful not to make the bloodshot eyes in the Colonel’s head start burning, or
exploding, or something fiery like that.

Colonel Davies thought for a while. This process can take a very long time, and usually earns him several hours of overtime. The only reason he only thought for a moment was that Gary cut him short. “C’mon, if you take time to think it over, the American president will reach intellectual maturity by the time you’re finished.”

Davies thought a bit more before answering, further irritating his two subordinates standing on the opposite side of his desk, “Alright, but I want to hear more respect from you two in future.” Davies said as they were leaving the room mid-sentence. “I mean it! You two didn’t salute me or call me ‘sir’ even once in the past couple of minutes!”

Gary hesitated for a few milliseconds, and just decided to hurriedly leave, depraving the Colonel of a response of any sort, even an impartial one. He was closely followed by Luke, who left just as hurriedly, and almost as impartially. Colonel Davies would’ve said something back, but it took him longer to realise that Luke and Gary were leaving than it did for them to actually leave, close the door behind them, lose a dollar and twenty cents to the vending machine in the nearby corridor and put an impressive sized dent in it.

By the time the Colonel was unleashing his wrath on the furniture in his office, Gary and Luke were on their way to the lifts. Luke approached the panel on the wall and pushed the down button.

“Now that we’re out of this place for the day, what should we ‘investigate’?” Luke pondered aloud for Gary to hear.

“What kind of a stupid question is that?” Gary asked Luke in a displeased tone. “The pub, you doorknob!”

Luke snort-laughed again “Right, so should we come back at six fifty-seven with some imaginative findings?”

In his enthusiasm to get out of work for the day, Gary had completely forgotten about this factor of the Master plan of Friday afternoon. “Yeah, good idea. We’ll make something up somewhere along the line. Write it on your hand or something, so we don’t forget.”

“Why don’t you write it on your hand?” Luke replied defiantly.

“I’m sorry, but I don’t see a crown on your shoulder.” came the inevitable response.

“Okay, okay.” Luke muttered as he pulled a biro from his pocket. “God damn these lifts are slow.”

“Yeah, but don’t worry, there’ll be a lift here as soon as we finish our conversation.” Gary explained, and this was true, according to his knowledge of sitcoms. At that moment, the light above one of the doors stopped on the number six, the floor they were on, and the doors slid open. As they were on the top floor, the only three people in the lift filed out as orderly as possible and went their separate ways. Gary, Luke and a woman who they’d probably known the name of some time in the past but now forgotten, entered the lift, and the doors closed before the lift commenced the trip down to the ground floor.

About a minute later, the two of them were out the front door of the Big Pineapple and discussing whose car they should take. They walked passed and admired the marvel of the Nambour branch of the FNT, the Nut-mobile; a giant armoured macadamia nut with an artillery gun on the front and a few miniguns generally fitted around the exterior. And to think, this beast was a form of tourist transport just a few years ago. Technology was a beautiful thing when it had big guns attached to it. They continued on their way to the car park just fifty or so metres away and then tried to find whichever of their two cars they could find first.

After finding Luke’s crappy Beemer, Luke unlocked it and sat in the driver’s seat. After opening the door. Gary did the same on the opposite side. The car started after a few minutes of stalling and they were on their way to the pub. But after just seven minutes and forty-two and a bit seconds of driving, Luke’s heap-of-shit car had entered the now buggered up part of town. Buildings were toppled, corpses were missing limbs and heads, cars were smashed up, and miscellaneous objects were generally at all kinds of strange angles. It didn’t take long for them to realise that something was wrong, especially since there were small groups of kangaroos standing at the corners of some still standing structures with their heads lowered. At periodic intervals of about four seconds, the furry heads slammed into the buildings. Surprisingly, the buildings couldn’t take much of this, and soon collapsed to the ground. Luke decided to drive faster. The kangaroos would’ve given chase, but they couldn’t be bothered running over eighty kilometres an hour, which is approximately how fast Luke’s bomb can drive without overheating the engine, just to kill two humans.

Luke drove at this pace for about a minute, because there was, unsurprisingly, no traffic at all in the buggered up part of town. After that, he decided to slow down to forty so he and Gary could have a look around at the ruins of southeastern Nambour, which was convenient, because Gary spotted something. Luke halted his crappy automobile and looked at what Gary had seen. What he saw was not meant for mortal eyes. Well, maybe it was, maybe it wasn’t, but just assume it wasn’t, because it sounds cool.

Yup. Still need someone to read this. Will try advertising somewhere...